Speak Out against Abuse

Be an active bystander

When trying to stop abusive relationships, we often focus on the victim, because we feel helpless to change the abuser.

But connecting with the abuser is just as important to end the cycle of abuse. If we look the other way we are simply bystanders.

Here are tips and tools on how you can be an active bystander and support someone being emotionally abused.

Understanding the bystander effect

The bystander effect is when people see a problem and do nothing. Maybe because:

• They don’t understand the reality of what is happening
• They are afraid
• They are in disbelief
• They don’t know what to do

Realize that you might be able to make a difference by intervening and providing support.

If you see someone exhibiting emotionally abusive behaviour towards someone else, there are effective ways* to approach them.

"I" statements 
Three parts:

1. State your feelings
2. Name the behaviour
3. State how you want the person to respond

This focuses on your feelings rather than criticizing the other person.
Example: “I feel ______ when you ______. Please don’t do that anymore.”

Humour 

• Reduces the tension of an intervention and makes it easier for the person to hear you
• Do not undermine what you say with too much humour. Funny doesn’t mean unimportant

Group intervention 

• There is safety and power in numbers
• Best used with someone who has a clear pattern of inappropriate behaviour where many examples can be presented as evidence of their problem

Bring it home 

• Prevents someone from distancing himself from the impact of his actions

• Example: “I hope no one ever talks about you like that.”

• Prevents someone from dehumanizing his targets

• Example: What if someone said your girlfriend is worthless?”

We're friends, right?

• Reframes the intervention as caring and non-critical

• Example: “As your friend I have to tell you that when you humiliate your partner like that it makes her feel worthless and alone. I just don’t want you to lose her.”

*Adapted from Men Can Stop Rape, www.mencanstoprape.org, 2006